Setting Boundaries as a People Pleaser

By: Lexi Nass-Miller, LCSW

Setting boundaries when you are a “people pleaser” can often feel overwhelming and challenging, but important for maintaining healthy relationships, as well as for your overall well-being. Individuals often struggle with setting boundaries because of a fear of pushing people away, or they fear it will make them seem like a “mean” or bad person”. However, learning to honor your limitations and effectively communicate with others will help you create healthier relationships, including the one with yourself. If you are someone who engages in “people pleasing” tendencies, here are some tips to help you set effective boundaries:

Recognize your own needs and limitations: Having self-awareness can help you better understand what you need in order to prioritize your own well-being. Knowing that it is okay to put your needs first is important to set healthy boundaries. Being aware of your limitations will help you determine the time, energy, and efforts you are able to give to others. Being firm in what you are willing and able to offer to others is important is setting and maintaining boundaries.

Saying “no” without feeling guilty: Remember that no means no, and you don’t need to follow up with an excuse for your reason why. It’s okay to say no to things that do not work for you or do not align with your priorities. For example, saying things like: “I am unable to make it to dinner tonight but would love to reschedule another time”, or “I am unable to attend this event but thank you for thinking of me” are helpful ways to keep your boundary but still leaving the door open for plans in the future.

Be kind to yourself: Acknowledge and remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Practice self-compassion by sticking to your values and making decisions that feel good to you. For example, saying to yourself “I can be a good person with a big heart, and still say no” is a great mantra to repeat when you have self-doubt.

Communicate effectively: Sometimes you may need to use assertive language in order to effectively communicate your boundaries. It can often be helpful to come up with a few phrases that you feel confident with and communicate when necessary. For example, “No, that actually does not work for me”, “I can’t hang out tonight I’m busy” or “I am really busy right now, but I will call you when I have some time to chat” are great to have in your back pocket for when you need to be more firm.

If you are someone that often feels a need to please others at the expense of your own needs and boundaries, and you would like to learn ways on how to feel more confident with setting healthy boundaries, reach out to hello@upsidertherapy.com to schedule a consultation.